Dangerous Expectations

Do you ever have those days? The days where you feel like you've completely failed as a wife and as a mother. The days where you go to bed praying to God that they don't remember that day when they're older. The days where you've snapped so many times at the people you love most that you simply can't bare to think about how awful you are any longer. The days where you feel so burnt out and used up. The days where you're counting down the minutes until your husband gets home, only to receive a text saying he's running late. Well today was one of those days.

When a day ends like this and I'm lying in bed wide awake praying, I can't help but think, why? Why do I act this way towards the tiny humans who I would gladly give my life for, and towards a husband who has done nothing wrong expect get home from work at exactly the wrong moment? Why do I let a four year old get so far under my skin that I can't shake these feelings off? That's when it hits me, all these mythical expectations that surround me.

Expectations can be murderous. They can destroy marriages, parent/child relationships, and friendships. If you're not careful they'll destroy your life.

When Joe and I first got married you can believe I had many (many many) unreal expectations for our marriage. I had this entire picture painted in my head of what our days would look like, what our evenings would look like, how he would do his own laundry because he loved me so much. Ridiculous things like that. More seriously though, I had a wonderful idea of what our future would look like. When and how many kids we would have, and how we would raise them. What I didn't factor in however, was Joe. Joe was his own person and I'm not sure where I got the idea from that I could just plan everything and he would willingly follow along. This came as a major shock to both of us. After some much need marriage counseling we got most of our issues sorted out, and then........... we had a baby.

Before you actually have children you think you already know what kind of parent you're going to be. Whether you'll breastfeed or bottle feed, cloth diaper or disposable diaper, how you will discipline, and so on. The expectations I set up for myself as a mother were so unrealistic and borderline ridiculous. When I made the transition to stay-at-home-mom they got even worse. I had all this time at home now so I assumed my house should be clean, the laundry done, dishes never piled in the sink, and dinner should always be done before Joe got home. Westyn should be doing fun things like play dates, story time, outside time, and learning constantly. It was seemingly easy to manage while it was just Westyn, but when Lincoln came along I assumed I should just continue with those same expectations. I didn't alter them to fit into this new stage as a mommy of two. I just thought I could handle it all.

Then came the guilt when Joe would get home from work and dinner wasn't ready, his clothes for work the next day weren't washed, and we hadn't managed to leave the house all day to do "fun things". I would feel miserable and I could see this look in his eyes. I already had a running internal monologue going telling myself I was failing as a stay-at-home-mom, so why did he have to look at me like he thought I was failing too. It was only months and many conversations later that I realized he wasn't disappointed in my lack of accomplishments. He was disappointed in the fact that I was so unhappy, yet when he asked what was wrong I would always say something like "nothing, I'm fine". I would push down all my stress in inadequacies so that not to bother him with them. In all reality I should have shared them with him. That's what your spouse is for. Not to constantly complain to, but someone who you can share your fears and struggles with.

All the expectations I had set up for myself were killing me. Okay, maybe not actually killing me, but some days it felt like it. I mean really, who was I trying to impress? What sort of reward was I trying to win? I wanted to please God, to be a good wife, and a good mother more than anything else. So why was I struggling so much with the one things I was suppose to be good at?

You know that saying you hear from experienced mothers. It goes something like "the laundry will always be there". I absolutely hate those sayings! Yes, the laundry will be there until I get up and decide to do it. I never understood why people said this to me! It made no sense. Until one day, BAM! It hit me. Lincoln was napping (praise Jesus),  I was cleaning (big surprise), and Westyn was sitting on the couch watching a show. I'm pretty sure he has asked me to play with him multiple times but my response was always something like "when I'm done cleaning". He finally looked up at me and said "mommy will you come cuddle with me?". I froze. When your very uncuddly child asks you to come cuddle, you stop whatever it is that you're doing, and you go cuddle!

I realized in that moment that the kitchen really could wait, but those precious cuddles would only be here a little while longer. A day will soon come when this little boy turns into a teen who no longer wants to cuddle with him mommy (or that would be weird).

The Bible tells us "What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." James 4:14.

I don't want to spend my life cleaning and in a state of constant guilt because I can't keep up with the demands I set for myself. I don't want to be Martha. I want to be Mary who is sitting at the feet of Jesus soaking in everything around her. I want to soak in every moment I have with these boys because they are the purpose for my fleeting life. Leading them towards Jesus, protecting them, and loving them is what I'm here to do.

So I will lay down all these unrealistic expectations I have set for myself and I will just breathe. I will soak in all the laughter and joy that fills this house and I will allow it to fill me, so that I'm no longer filled with guilt. Instead, I will be full of joy and life!

I no longer want to end my day praying for them not to remember. I want to pray that it will be a day they never forget. I pray that they never forget the love I have for them and the joy we have together.