My Two Cents For Whatever It's Worth

1. To all of the mothers out there who were hoping to wake up Wednesday morning and tell your daughters that we finally have a woman President but seemed to be heartbroken over the reality of what you woke to. Many of you stated that you didn't know what to tell them now. This is just something I can not seem to understand. Obviously, if Hillary Clinton was meant to be our first female President, then she would be. She is not. I truly believe that one day a worthy female candidate will present herself and it will be obvious that she was mean't to lead this country. Until that day comes you can tell your daughters exactly what happened. Explain to them that we live in a wonderful nation that gives us the freedom to choose who will lead us. Tell them that even though we may disagree with the outcome, it doesn't change the values we hold. Tell them that no President will ever make this country perfect. Tell them they can make a difference every single day by showing kindness to everyone they meet. Show them how to be a strong leader and a strong woman. Don't sit back and expect someone you see on TV, whom you have never met, to lead them towards greatness. Be the woman you want them to become. Whether you are a stay at home mom or have a career, show them the love and the passion you have for what you do. I can promise you, that will mean more to them and any President will.

2. Please, for the love of all that is Holy stop calling everyone who voted for Trump racist, bigots, homophobes, or whatever else you can conjure up. Please stop saying that this has set us back decades. Maybe you should take a second to go speak to someone who was in their prime a few decades ago. Let them explain to you what it was like to live in the South during the 50's and 60's. Let them explain to you what it was like to be drafted to War with no choice. Leaving your country, your safety, and your family to go fight for a better future for people you will never meet. For people who today think it's an act of free speech to burn our flag in the street. How disgraceful and despicable you are. 

3. When, as a country, we have roughly 104,000 children waiting to be adopted we don't have a Presidential problem, we have a personal problem. I want you to sit and think about this for a second. Think about every single one of those children who aren't being loved on enough, who are being moved from foster home to foster home, and who will likely never know what it's like to grow up with one or two loving parents. Maybe, just maybe if we can fix our parenting problem, then a lot of our other issues will take care of themselves. If we can look past our own selfish desires and give just one of these kids a home, then focus on raising them to be honorable, kind, loving, and selfless individuals we will have successfully changed our country for the better.

Before you whine and cry about our President-elect please take a moment and think about what you've done to help change our country, or even your county, for the better. You complain about the possible disbanding of Planned Parenthood, but have you ever actually done anything to help a single mother or do you just expect the government to help. You want us to live in a safe country but have you served your country or even supported the men and women who volunteer to protect you. You want racism to stop but are you spreading love daily or are you just spreading more hate. A changed country doesn't start with a new President, it starts with a new perspective from its citizens.

Can We Just Stop

Alright you beautiful mama's. There's something serious we need to chat about. It's something we all face and it's useless. "What is it?" you may be asking. It's Mom Guilt. If you don't know exactly what Mom Guilt is, then apparently you're the most secure and confident person in the world. Mom guilt is when you do something as a mother that you feel guilty about, or someone else does something which in turn makes you feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. We all experience it in our own way. I'm going to chat about a few things over the years that I've experienced Mom Guilt with in hopes to shed some light on a very dark subject that has caused me real pain in the past.

Mom Guilt #1 Breast vs Bottle
Let's go ahead and get the elephant in the room out. Breastfeeding vs formula feeding. When I was pregnant with Westyn I desperately wanted to nurse him. I had heard moms talk about the amazing bond they had with their children through breastfeeding and I wanted that. Well events didn't exactly turn out how I had planned. I ended up with an unexpected C-section which through my body way off. After five days of trying to nurse with no milk, a baby who was hungry and losing weight, and two very new and very exhausted parents, we decided to skip the boob and insert the bottle. 

Boom....bring on the Mom Guilt. By normal standards I had done nothing right. I couldn't give birth to my child naturally and now I couldn't even feed him. I remember feeling like I had already failed as a mother and it had only been five days. Now a lot of these feelings can be attributed to hormones and exhaustion, but not solely because the feelings didn't go away. I would be asked and questioned by other moms as to why I was choosing not to nurse him. Instead, they should have been like hey congratulations, you're actually feeding your child! Because honestly that's all that really matters here! This amazing baby is being fed and is happy. That's enough.

Mom Guilt #2: Baby Weight
Now while dealing with all of those feelings of failure, there was also the "baby weight". At least that's what we like to call it to make ourselves feel better. I'm not saying baby weight is not a real thing because it is. While pregnant your body stores up fat as a protective mechanism, I understand that. But after a year we can all agree that it's no longer "baby" weight. I'm not saying this to make anyone feel guilty. Quiet the opposite actually. I'm saying this so we can all understand that losing weight is difficult in general, not to mention having tiny humans to care for. Instead of feeling all this guilt and shame because you still have on a few extra pounds while what's her face lost it all in three weeks, let's just agree that it's hard. All of it is hard. Being a mom is HARD. So what if those jeans are a bit tight. Let's all just praise Jesus for leggings and move on!

Side note, if you're legitimately unhappy with your body, and it's not only because you think you should have already lost the weight, then just remember that you have control of that. You can make a change whenever you're ready. The only change that sticks is when you've made up your mind about it. Not when you've been guilt-ed into it.

Mom Guilt #3 Apologies
I am seriously so sick of apologizing. I have to apologize when someone comes over and my house isn't extremely clean and tidy. I have to apologize when my child throws a tantrum. I have to apologize when my son decides your shirt looks like a piece of paper and he must draw on it. Okay maybe that one actually warranted an apology, but you understand what I mean. I feel like I am constantly apologizing for my kids being kids. I have two boys, and they are both ALL boy. They're loud, dirty, and rough (cough Lincoln cough). When you come to my house with your sweet and well behaved daughters, you need to just expect this. Now there have been times when we've been out at a restaurant and Lincoln is screaming blooding murder and we just apologize and leave. But please don't you dare go sit down in a Chick Fil A and then complain about the kids being too loud. You're eating at restaurant that has a play house INSIDE. I mean come on.

Mom Guilt #4 Stay at home vs Working
This one is the mom guilt I've been struggling with the most recently. I've breastfed and bottle fed, I've gained and lost baby weight, after kid number two I've stopped apologizing (mostly), but now I struggle with being in my place. I believe that God has a place for all of us. If we can be content in our places, then the body of Christ will work more effectively. But I'm human and a woman so contentment isn't my strongest attribute. At a time when Joe and I are working really hard to claw our way out of debt, I constantly think of the money I could be bringing in by going back to work. Selfishly, I think about the clothes I could buy, the ways I could decorate my home, and the vacations we could take. I've been at stay at home mom for four and a half years now and it's hard sometimes. Usually once a week I plot of ways I could go back to work, but by the end of that day I'm thanking God for something I was able to witness that I would have otherwise missed if I had been at work. I know in my heart that I'm suppose to spend my days with these boys. Now I just have to get the world out of my mind.

This is in no way pointing fingers at working moms. If that is where God wants you or if you have to work in order to feed your family, then trust me when I say that you are amazing! My sister is one of the hardest working mothers I know. She's a single mom with two amazing daughter. She works so hard every single day to put food on the table and a roof over their heads. I don't understand how she does it, and I'm amazed by her strength. 

Staying at home is not easy all the time, but it's a gift I pray I never take for granted. 

Can we please stop all the judging and start supporting. Being a mother is hard enough on it's own. I don't need someone else making me feel guilty because I'm doing something different than the way she would. No, not everything I buy is organic. My youngest son eats bugs, that's pretty organic in itself.  

Side Note: If someone doesn't ask for your advice, please don't give it to them, and then get angry when they don't heed your unwanted advice. 

There comes a time at least once a day when I'm 100% sure I'm failing as a mother, but that's okay. I just need people in my life where I can come to them and say "hey I pretty much suck today", and their response will most likely be "yeah, me too". My children didn't die today, so I would call that a success. 

Lets keep it real. 

Tiny Hand Print

As I look around my house I see tiny hand prints...everywhere. On the walls, on the floors, and I'm pretty sure every single window. Being a person who is slightly type A, this drives me nuts. As soon as I get one thing cleaned I turn around to find Lincoln dumping his apple juice onto the floor and then splashing in it. I have a slight internal freak out moment before remembering he's only 17 months old and he can't possibly be trying to purposefully sabotage me. Right?

It's so easy for me to go around and point out all these tiny hands and forget that those hands are attached to something amazing. Those hands can teach me so much if I just take the time to pay attention.

So far these hands have taught me that it's okay to get dirty. Sounds simple, except for me it isn't. I don't usually allow my boys to purposefully get dirty. When I see the joy on their faces it makes that extra bit of work I'll have to do all worth it.

So far these hands have taught me how to give more openly. Westyn is more generous than I have ever been. He will gladly share almost anything he has with anyone. This is in his nature. He isn't attached to all the material things that we as a culture place so much value in. He just simply wants to share.

So far these hands have taught me to be kind to everyone. These hands will wave, blow kisses, shake hands, and give high fives to anyone no matter their ethnicity or financial standing.  Their view of the world and the people it holds isn't tarnished yet.

The more I think about all the things these tiny hands could teach me, the more I understand what Jesus was saying when He was talking with His disciples in Matthew chapter 18.

If I can just take a step back and refocus, then everything begins to clear. I can clearly see what a blessing tiny hand prints are all over my house. I can let go of all the expectations I set for myself to clean constantly, and start enjoying the moment they place their hands on the door. Children don't get stopped by glass doors, they merely look through them to see the beauty more clearly! How much could we do for God's kingdom if we stopped getting distracted by smudges and started focusing on the beauty that children see?

With Me or Without Me

Something that has been set on my heart recently is a simple question.

 Are others better because of me?

Sounds simple right? Except it's not simple. It may be the most import question you ask yourself, and it's something I desperately want to achieve. I guess I've started thinking about this more recently because I took on a new leadership role within my church. I've never really led anyone before and was concerned I wouldn't be good at it. I had faith that God put me in this position for a reason and if He has enough faith me in to lead some of His people, then I should honor Him enough to have faith in myself.

I still wanted to make sure I was the best person for the position. I started preparing by listening to Leadership Podcasts and taking all the advice I could by those around me. What I began to realize is that it isn't really about me and my abilities at all. It all comes back to Jesus (but doesn't everything). If I can do my best to act in a way that would be pleasing to Him, then wouldn't that be exactly the way He want's His people led?

Do people know Jesus better because of the way I act? Does the way I handle myself in tough situations point back to Him or does it point to something else? You lead by literally being in the front of the line. You can't lead by being in the back observing.

As parents, do our children learn how to love and forgive because of the way we love them and forgive them? We can tell them Jesus loves them every day but if we are not projecting that love onto them, then they will never truly understand it. I want my boys to grow into strong men of God, but if I'm not leading them down that pathway, then how will they reach that destination?

Can non Christians see Jesus in you because of the way you act at work or by your social media page? Are you constantly commenting on the latest political garbage and calling it your "Christian duty"? Is it really your duty as a follower of Jesus to rant and condemn?

Most Christians know this verse and have heard it all their lives, but I think most of them miss the concept and the point being made. Jesus isn't saying love one another so that other Christians will know that we are His disciples. He is saying love one another so that EVERYONE will know that we are His! You will never bring someone to Jesus by condemning them in their present sin. It's not our job to change people. Jesus does the changing. It's our job to show them the love of Jesus and open the door for an opportunity of change to happen by Jesus.

 I can honestly say that I am a better person because Joe is my husband. I am a better mother because of the other mothers that surround me. I am a better leader because of the leaders I have learned from. The real question is this, are any of these people closer to Jesus because of me?

Dangerous Expectations

Do you ever have those days? The days where you feel like you've completely failed as a wife and as a mother. The days where you go to bed praying to God that they don't remember that day when they're older. The days where you've snapped so many times at the people you love most that you simply can't bare to think about how awful you are any longer. The days where you feel so burnt out and used up. The days where you're counting down the minutes until your husband gets home, only to receive a text saying he's running late. Well today was one of those days.

When a day ends like this and I'm lying in bed wide awake praying, I can't help but think, why? Why do I act this way towards the tiny humans who I would gladly give my life for, and towards a husband who has done nothing wrong expect get home from work at exactly the wrong moment? Why do I let a four year old get so far under my skin that I can't shake these feelings off? That's when it hits me, all these mythical expectations that surround me.

Expectations can be murderous. They can destroy marriages, parent/child relationships, and friendships. If you're not careful they'll destroy your life.

When Joe and I first got married you can believe I had many (many many) unreal expectations for our marriage. I had this entire picture painted in my head of what our days would look like, what our evenings would look like, how he would do his own laundry because he loved me so much. Ridiculous things like that. More seriously though, I had a wonderful idea of what our future would look like. When and how many kids we would have, and how we would raise them. What I didn't factor in however, was Joe. Joe was his own person and I'm not sure where I got the idea from that I could just plan everything and he would willingly follow along. This came as a major shock to both of us. After some much need marriage counseling we got most of our issues sorted out, and then........... we had a baby.

Before you actually have children you think you already know what kind of parent you're going to be. Whether you'll breastfeed or bottle feed, cloth diaper or disposable diaper, how you will discipline, and so on. The expectations I set up for myself as a mother were so unrealistic and borderline ridiculous. When I made the transition to stay-at-home-mom they got even worse. I had all this time at home now so I assumed my house should be clean, the laundry done, dishes never piled in the sink, and dinner should always be done before Joe got home. Westyn should be doing fun things like play dates, story time, outside time, and learning constantly. It was seemingly easy to manage while it was just Westyn, but when Lincoln came along I assumed I should just continue with those same expectations. I didn't alter them to fit into this new stage as a mommy of two. I just thought I could handle it all.

Then came the guilt when Joe would get home from work and dinner wasn't ready, his clothes for work the next day weren't washed, and we hadn't managed to leave the house all day to do "fun things". I would feel miserable and I could see this look in his eyes. I already had a running internal monologue going telling myself I was failing as a stay-at-home-mom, so why did he have to look at me like he thought I was failing too. It was only months and many conversations later that I realized he wasn't disappointed in my lack of accomplishments. He was disappointed in the fact that I was so unhappy, yet when he asked what was wrong I would always say something like "nothing, I'm fine". I would push down all my stress in inadequacies so that not to bother him with them. In all reality I should have shared them with him. That's what your spouse is for. Not to constantly complain to, but someone who you can share your fears and struggles with.

All the expectations I had set up for myself were killing me. Okay, maybe not actually killing me, but some days it felt like it. I mean really, who was I trying to impress? What sort of reward was I trying to win? I wanted to please God, to be a good wife, and a good mother more than anything else. So why was I struggling so much with the one things I was suppose to be good at?

You know that saying you hear from experienced mothers. It goes something like "the laundry will always be there". I absolutely hate those sayings! Yes, the laundry will be there until I get up and decide to do it. I never understood why people said this to me! It made no sense. Until one day, BAM! It hit me. Lincoln was napping (praise Jesus),  I was cleaning (big surprise), and Westyn was sitting on the couch watching a show. I'm pretty sure he has asked me to play with him multiple times but my response was always something like "when I'm done cleaning". He finally looked up at me and said "mommy will you come cuddle with me?". I froze. When your very uncuddly child asks you to come cuddle, you stop whatever it is that you're doing, and you go cuddle!

I realized in that moment that the kitchen really could wait, but those precious cuddles would only be here a little while longer. A day will soon come when this little boy turns into a teen who no longer wants to cuddle with him mommy (or that would be weird).

The Bible tells us "What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." James 4:14.

I don't want to spend my life cleaning and in a state of constant guilt because I can't keep up with the demands I set for myself. I don't want to be Martha. I want to be Mary who is sitting at the feet of Jesus soaking in everything around her. I want to soak in every moment I have with these boys because they are the purpose for my fleeting life. Leading them towards Jesus, protecting them, and loving them is what I'm here to do.

So I will lay down all these unrealistic expectations I have set for myself and I will just breathe. I will soak in all the laughter and joy that fills this house and I will allow it to fill me, so that I'm no longer filled with guilt. Instead, I will be full of joy and life!

I no longer want to end my day praying for them not to remember. I want to pray that it will be a day they never forget. I pray that they never forget the love I have for them and the joy we have together.

Parenting...enough said

When you become a parent no one tells you about the constant struggles you deal with or the many, many decisions that have to be made. It seems like every day one of the boys are hitting a new milestone in life which comes with its own set of struggles and decisions. It was doable when we just had Westyn, but now we have two different kids going in two different directions. Literally. Outside playing today Lincoln was running towards the road while Westyn was going towards the woods. All of a sudden I had a choice to make. Which kid to physically stop and which kid to ask to stop. Luckily, this decision was easy. Obviously, I ran and grabbed Lincoln before he could get smashed by a car and I yelled at Westyn to wait.

This got me thinking though. As a parent there is going to come a time when we have to move beyond being able to physically stop our children when they're making poor decisions, and move more towards having a conversation with them. I feel like with Westyn, my four year old, we are getting more to this point. I no longer have to pull is hand away from a hot stove, I just have to explain to him that it will burn him. Those things are easy. What's not going to be easy though, is when he's making decisions that will will effect his Spiritual life.

Just last week we had our first incident with him stealing. Okay maybe stealing is a strong word. He was merely attempting to sneak a small toy out of someone else's house after I told him he wasn't allowed to take home any of their toys. Okay yea, he was stealing. Thankfully he was caught, had to return the toy, apologize, and then we had a talk. When having these talks with him I wonder if he really gets it. A little while later while we were walking into Aldi he stops me and says "Mommy please don't tell anyone I tried to steal something" in the most pitiful voice I've ever heard. Stick a knife right into my heart. I had to hold back tears of sadness and of joy because I realized that he got it. His little amazing heart felt the wrong that he did and he was ashamed of it. No parent wants their child to feel shame, but sometimes that's the only way we learn.

This entire incident just proves to me how very important it is for us, as parents, to instill strong morals into our children. We can't depend on others to do this for us. We made the decision to plant this little tiny tree, now it's time for us to allow the roots to grow as deep as possible in a strong faith filled environment, so when the day comes that we release this tree into the world they will not be able to shy far away from their foundation. They will have the ability to go into the world without being influenced by worldly things. They will be able to make good decisions based on knowledge instead of the whims on the people.

Okay, that all sounds great Sam, but how do we do this? I'm still working on that part out but this is what I have so far.

Prayer- Prayer is my struggle so I have a specific day that I pray for exactly this, the whole parenting thing and how to not fail at it.

Team Work- If you're luckily enough to have a spouse who shares the same beliefs that you do, then you are winning already. Talk with each other about this, how to handle situations that come up, and how to discipline/construct your children. God specifically put the two of you together for a purpose. Start trying to figure out what that purpose is. If you're a single parent (or just single in faith), then you have your work cut out for you, but I promise you are not alone in this. " Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord YOUR GOD will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9  I suggest printing this verse out and posting it up somewhere you can see it daily. God will give you the strength to handle the hard times to come. He never promised life would be easy, He only promised that He would never leave you to do it alone.

Surroundings- This one is so important and one that Joe and I are struggling through right now. To homeschool vs public school vs private school. The list goes on and on. The people we allow our children to be around, not only can influence them, but will influence them. We have a small moment in time that we still get to choose their friends and the adults who watch them. Think hard and choose wisely. The biggest influence, however, is you. If you don't think your kids pay attention to what you're listening to, watching, and reading, then you are greatly misjudging them. As Rachel Cruz always says "more is caught than taught".

My husband and I will have to depend on each other, and together we will depend on God to get us through this thing they call parenting. I myself like to call it "jumping hurdles". You know, where you're constantly jumping over things (like toys) until that one hurdle comes up and you fall flat on your face. If you're like me, I tend to fall, a lot, but I've surrounded myself with enough wonderful people to help pick me up when I can't do it on my own.

Take Captive Every Thought

Oh how different our lives might be if we could learn to take captive every thought we have. This may be my biggest struggle in life. I allow my mind to run away. It's not always bad. I sometimes have very in depth conversations with myself (kind of scary). Most of the time though, I allow myself to dwell on things that are out of my control.

For example, I have a big problem letting other people watch my children. I make up these scenarios in my head of Lincoln getting a hold of a knife, or Westyn running off into the wilderness. Those are just some of the mild scenes that play out inside my brain. Example two, when Joe suggests that we should go on a cruise. My mind immediately goes to the hundreds of sharks that will be constantly circling our ship just waiting for one of us to fall into the water (I realize I might sound a bit crazy, but I'm just being real). I allow fear and anxiety to overrun my life and I'm robbing my family of fun and adventures because I can't control the thoughts that bombard my mind.

I'm sure you've all at least heard of the movie Eat Pray Love. Well if you didn't know, it's based on a true story of when Elizabeth Gilbert decided to leave everything and travel for a year. I don't agree with some of her life choices but I do love this book. One of my favorite quotes from it is "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore". I can't even count the amount of times I have repeated this to myself.

I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore
I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore

Over and over again, when I felt so weak and these awful thoughts where overtaking me. This quote stuck out to me at a more serious time in my life when my marriage was tested far more than I ever thought possible. I had never dealt with so much fear and anxiety before and now, all of a sudden, it was crippling me. I lived like this for probably a year until one day, I stood looking at myself in the mirror and said enough. I actually said it out loud. It wasn't enough to say it inside my head, it needed to be spoken. No longer will I allow these thoughts to ruin my life and make me afraid of things that haven't even happened.

Peace. How glorious of a word. People all around the world are looking for peace, but unless they are looking at Jesus they will never find it. The previous verse says to not be anxious about anything but in every situation to pray. Our hearts and our minds are so vulnerable that we're unable to control them on our own. We have to look to Jesus in order to find peace.

So my goal is to take captive every unhealthy thought. To now allow them to harbor up in my mind creating a barrier between me and happiness. I want to be happy and to have the peace of God guarding my mind.