Dangerous Expectations

Do you ever have those days? The days where you feel like you've completely failed as a wife and as a mother. The days where you go to bed praying to God that they don't remember that day when they're older. The days where you've snapped so many times at the people you love most that you simply can't bare to think about how awful you are any longer. The days where you feel so burnt out and used up. The days where you're counting down the minutes until your husband gets home, only to receive a text saying he's running late. Well today was one of those days.

When a day ends like this and I'm lying in bed wide awake praying, I can't help but think, why? Why do I act this way towards the tiny humans who I would gladly give my life for, and towards a husband who has done nothing wrong expect get home from work at exactly the wrong moment? Why do I let a four year old get so far under my skin that I can't shake these feelings off? That's when it hits me, all these mythical expectations that surround me.

Expectations can be murderous. They can destroy marriages, parent/child relationships, and friendships. If you're not careful they'll destroy your life.

When Joe and I first got married you can believe I had many (many many) unreal expectations for our marriage. I had this entire picture painted in my head of what our days would look like, what our evenings would look like, how he would do his own laundry because he loved me so much. Ridiculous things like that. More seriously though, I had a wonderful idea of what our future would look like. When and how many kids we would have, and how we would raise them. What I didn't factor in however, was Joe. Joe was his own person and I'm not sure where I got the idea from that I could just plan everything and he would willingly follow along. This came as a major shock to both of us. After some much need marriage counseling we got most of our issues sorted out, and then........... we had a baby.

Before you actually have children you think you already know what kind of parent you're going to be. Whether you'll breastfeed or bottle feed, cloth diaper or disposable diaper, how you will discipline, and so on. The expectations I set up for myself as a mother were so unrealistic and borderline ridiculous. When I made the transition to stay-at-home-mom they got even worse. I had all this time at home now so I assumed my house should be clean, the laundry done, dishes never piled in the sink, and dinner should always be done before Joe got home. Westyn should be doing fun things like play dates, story time, outside time, and learning constantly. It was seemingly easy to manage while it was just Westyn, but when Lincoln came along I assumed I should just continue with those same expectations. I didn't alter them to fit into this new stage as a mommy of two. I just thought I could handle it all.

Then came the guilt when Joe would get home from work and dinner wasn't ready, his clothes for work the next day weren't washed, and we hadn't managed to leave the house all day to do "fun things". I would feel miserable and I could see this look in his eyes. I already had a running internal monologue going telling myself I was failing as a stay-at-home-mom, so why did he have to look at me like he thought I was failing too. It was only months and many conversations later that I realized he wasn't disappointed in my lack of accomplishments. He was disappointed in the fact that I was so unhappy, yet when he asked what was wrong I would always say something like "nothing, I'm fine". I would push down all my stress in inadequacies so that not to bother him with them. In all reality I should have shared them with him. That's what your spouse is for. Not to constantly complain to, but someone who you can share your fears and struggles with.

All the expectations I had set up for myself were killing me. Okay, maybe not actually killing me, but some days it felt like it. I mean really, who was I trying to impress? What sort of reward was I trying to win? I wanted to please God, to be a good wife, and a good mother more than anything else. So why was I struggling so much with the one things I was suppose to be good at?

You know that saying you hear from experienced mothers. It goes something like "the laundry will always be there". I absolutely hate those sayings! Yes, the laundry will be there until I get up and decide to do it. I never understood why people said this to me! It made no sense. Until one day, BAM! It hit me. Lincoln was napping (praise Jesus),  I was cleaning (big surprise), and Westyn was sitting on the couch watching a show. I'm pretty sure he has asked me to play with him multiple times but my response was always something like "when I'm done cleaning". He finally looked up at me and said "mommy will you come cuddle with me?". I froze. When your very uncuddly child asks you to come cuddle, you stop whatever it is that you're doing, and you go cuddle!

I realized in that moment that the kitchen really could wait, but those precious cuddles would only be here a little while longer. A day will soon come when this little boy turns into a teen who no longer wants to cuddle with him mommy (or that would be weird).

The Bible tells us "What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." James 4:14.

I don't want to spend my life cleaning and in a state of constant guilt because I can't keep up with the demands I set for myself. I don't want to be Martha. I want to be Mary who is sitting at the feet of Jesus soaking in everything around her. I want to soak in every moment I have with these boys because they are the purpose for my fleeting life. Leading them towards Jesus, protecting them, and loving them is what I'm here to do.

So I will lay down all these unrealistic expectations I have set for myself and I will just breathe. I will soak in all the laughter and joy that fills this house and I will allow it to fill me, so that I'm no longer filled with guilt. Instead, I will be full of joy and life!

I no longer want to end my day praying for them not to remember. I want to pray that it will be a day they never forget. I pray that they never forget the love I have for them and the joy we have together.

Parenting...enough said

When you become a parent no one tells you about the constant struggles you deal with or the many, many decisions that have to be made. It seems like every day one of the boys are hitting a new milestone in life which comes with its own set of struggles and decisions. It was doable when we just had Westyn, but now we have two different kids going in two different directions. Literally. Outside playing today Lincoln was running towards the road while Westyn was going towards the woods. All of a sudden I had a choice to make. Which kid to physically stop and which kid to ask to stop. Luckily, this decision was easy. Obviously, I ran and grabbed Lincoln before he could get smashed by a car and I yelled at Westyn to wait.

This got me thinking though. As a parent there is going to come a time when we have to move beyond being able to physically stop our children when they're making poor decisions, and move more towards having a conversation with them. I feel like with Westyn, my four year old, we are getting more to this point. I no longer have to pull is hand away from a hot stove, I just have to explain to him that it will burn him. Those things are easy. What's not going to be easy though, is when he's making decisions that will will effect his Spiritual life.

Just last week we had our first incident with him stealing. Okay maybe stealing is a strong word. He was merely attempting to sneak a small toy out of someone else's house after I told him he wasn't allowed to take home any of their toys. Okay yea, he was stealing. Thankfully he was caught, had to return the toy, apologize, and then we had a talk. When having these talks with him I wonder if he really gets it. A little while later while we were walking into Aldi he stops me and says "Mommy please don't tell anyone I tried to steal something" in the most pitiful voice I've ever heard. Stick a knife right into my heart. I had to hold back tears of sadness and of joy because I realized that he got it. His little amazing heart felt the wrong that he did and he was ashamed of it. No parent wants their child to feel shame, but sometimes that's the only way we learn.

This entire incident just proves to me how very important it is for us, as parents, to instill strong morals into our children. We can't depend on others to do this for us. We made the decision to plant this little tiny tree, now it's time for us to allow the roots to grow as deep as possible in a strong faith filled environment, so when the day comes that we release this tree into the world they will not be able to shy far away from their foundation. They will have the ability to go into the world without being influenced by worldly things. They will be able to make good decisions based on knowledge instead of the whims on the people.

Okay, that all sounds great Sam, but how do we do this? I'm still working on that part out but this is what I have so far.

Prayer- Prayer is my struggle so I have a specific day that I pray for exactly this, the whole parenting thing and how to not fail at it.

Team Work- If you're luckily enough to have a spouse who shares the same beliefs that you do, then you are winning already. Talk with each other about this, how to handle situations that come up, and how to discipline/construct your children. God specifically put the two of you together for a purpose. Start trying to figure out what that purpose is. If you're a single parent (or just single in faith), then you have your work cut out for you, but I promise you are not alone in this. " Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord YOUR GOD will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9  I suggest printing this verse out and posting it up somewhere you can see it daily. God will give you the strength to handle the hard times to come. He never promised life would be easy, He only promised that He would never leave you to do it alone.

Surroundings- This one is so important and one that Joe and I are struggling through right now. To homeschool vs public school vs private school. The list goes on and on. The people we allow our children to be around, not only can influence them, but will influence them. We have a small moment in time that we still get to choose their friends and the adults who watch them. Think hard and choose wisely. The biggest influence, however, is you. If you don't think your kids pay attention to what you're listening to, watching, and reading, then you are greatly misjudging them. As Rachel Cruz always says "more is caught than taught".

My husband and I will have to depend on each other, and together we will depend on God to get us through this thing they call parenting. I myself like to call it "jumping hurdles". You know, where you're constantly jumping over things (like toys) until that one hurdle comes up and you fall flat on your face. If you're like me, I tend to fall, a lot, but I've surrounded myself with enough wonderful people to help pick me up when I can't do it on my own.